Porn Star Hawk McAllistar's Journey Back from Self-Destruction Began With a Teddy Bear
A star of nineties and aughts videos including "69 in the Shade," "Earning His Keep" and "Heat Wave," the Idahoan is now a sober Palm Springs mailman who constantly forgets he's a daddy.
Hey Caftaners! My friend William Johnson (whom I interviewed a while back), who is better at this digital platform stuff than I am, suggested that I cut my long wind-ups to these interviews. So I’m gonna just to the chase this week and introduce you to Hawk McAllistar, 58, the tall, handsome porn star who was very visible in the nineties and the aughts, all the while struggling with crystal meth. Today, in the time-honored tradition of many gay sex workers, Hawk, whose real name is Loren Wilson, is now clean and sober and living in Palm Springs—and, perhaps not so traditionally, working as a mailman! Sit tight for the hot photo of him in his uniform. (In recent years, he’s made a little bit of daddy-on-daddy porn…more on his feelings about that in the interview.)
I love interviewing porn stars from decades of yore because porn was an industry back then that mimicked the mainstream film industry, with its dramatic outdoor settings, large crews, long days on the set, marketing and distribution, and more. I have to thank porn daddy supreme Tom Chase for connecting me to so many of his colleagues, including Loren, for these interviews. And, importantly, Loren, who couldn’t have been nicer or more open, asked me to include this GoFundMe he set up to help his 78-year-old mom, whom he calls his best friend, as she goes through financial hardship in Oregon, where she lives. So here it is—I gave something and perhaps you can, too.
One final note: The interview contains sometimes graphic descriptions of drug use and addiction, including of drug-fueled sex.
So see…I kept it short! I just want to say thank you to a bunch of new paid subscribers and, as usual, ask that if you consistently like these interviews, consider becoming a paid subscriber yourself so you can read to the very end.
Now here’s Hawk…I mean Loren!
Loren, thank you so much for talking today! Tell me about your life.
I live in a two-bedroom apartment with a roommate, one street over from Warm Sands, which is where all the nude or clothing-optional resorts used to be. It would be nothing to walk through Warm Sands at one or two in the morning and see someone walking around naked. My roommate is a submissive, which ties into my life, even though we’re not involved that way. I’m a dom currently. I’ve been surrounded by the kink world ever since I moved to California.
Take me through a typical day.
I’m a postman. Until recently, before I was promoted, I’d get up at 7:30am, throw on my clothes and head out the door. I’m a creature of habit. I have ADHD and probably am on the spectrum a little bit, so I have to have everything structured.
You’re a postman! That’s such a porn role. Has anyone pointed that out to you?
Yes. “Hey, you have a big package for me?”
What’s your postman outfit? Do you wear a sexy short-sleeve shirt and shorts?
I do. I actually have my shorts tailored so they’re tighter.
Listen, if you’re gonna do it, you might as well do it all the way. So I wake up, go to my local gas station on my motorcycle or in my car and get my two Red Bulls, then I go to work. I was just promoted to supervisor-in-training. Being a postman is not a thankless job. People say to me, “Thank you for your service,” which is humbling. My route was near my house, so I could go home and eat lunch. I’m in recovery, so I usually go to a Crystal Meth Anonymous meeting after work. Then I come home and play video games or watch YouTube. I love going down a rabbit hole. Because of my ADHD, my brain is always chattering, so TV helps quiet it.
Do you work out?
I try to get to the gym at least twice a week. But my job really keeps me fit, too. I’m moving all the time.
Do you have a social or sexual life?
I’m fairly shy, so I struggle with social events. We have a sex club called Club 541 but I’ve only been a few times because I get self-conscious and nervous. I’ve suffered from low self-esteem and body dysmorphic syndrome. I’m a member of Palm Springs Leather Order of the Desert…
…but when we have events, I have a hard time participating. So I give myself a job at parties, like saying hi to at least five people or helping out the host. I use the apps a lot if I need to go out and have some fun. It’s like a menu. I don’t have to cruise—I’m not good at that.
Are guys in our age cohort constantly recognizing you as Hawk McAllistar?
No. Way back when, in my nineties career prime, I’d often get, “Oh my God, are you Hawk McAllistar?” But not really at all today. I’m not hugely active in the sex industry anymore. But sometimes when people tell me I look familiar, I tell them who I am and they say, “Oh my God.” I was the boy next store back in the nineties, so progressing to a daddy has been quite the challenge. My brain still tells me I’m 25 or 30.
Same. I’m only two years younger than you. I’ll forget my age, then glance at myself and remember. But thankfully daddies are having a moment.
Yes. They’re are plenty of younger guys who are into us. When I embrace my daddy side, I find more people attracted to me for my age. It’s when I don’t that I don’t get it.
I think it’s fun to play the role of the daddy for younger guys who want to sub out. You?
In my professional life, I was usually a top because I was tall. In my private life, I was always the submissive boy—but I didn’t know what that was called until I got into the leather community and was recognized as a boy. So, now that I’m experiencing my daddy side, I wouldn’t mind having a sub 24-7. When I was younger, I liked older guys. I had that daddy issue going on.
Sure. A lot of us did.
So I understand the whole needing someone to look up to who’ll direct you. It’d be nice to have a 6-5, 240-pound, black-haired, blue-eyed, big-dicked daddy who’s into someone my age. Most of them are into pocket gays. And I’m not that. So embracing my daddyness and finding a younger sub boy is a fantasy. That would be nice. In recovery, I’ve had a couple of sobriety buddies who have been boys whom I’ve helped mentor, which has satisfied that daddy role for me.
Did you see Pillion?
Oh gosh, yeah.
When you were in your dom-sub relationship, was it a 24-7 dynamic like in the film, or just during sex play?
Both. In L.A. for about a year and a half, I was with a woman who owned a dungeon. I was her sub for awhile, then we switched roles.
Do you consider yourself bisexual?
Uh—that’s a hard question. When I was younger, I would’ve said no. I don’t mind a woman’s energy. But a transman I’m good with. I can fuck a beautiful woman but to have a relationship with a woman would be challenging unless it were a trans man who didn’t have bottom surgery.
Have you been with a trans guy?
No, not yet.
But you’re open to it.
There’s a couple of transmen I’d love to connect with to see how I’d interact with. Like, in porn, Stevie. He’s a beautiful redhead in San Diego.
As long as transmen are extremely masculine. The ones who are a little bit feminine I’m not attracted to.
But you can be sexually attracted to a woman or someone femme-presenting?
If they’re drop-dead gorgeous, yes. I grew up in the industry where I was shuffled around between bisexual and transsexual stuff, like with Karen Dior.
She was one of the transssexual icons of our time. She’s since passed away.
Okay. So you were a sub in a few dom-sub relationships?
In two relationships. In one, I wore a collar and we had a contract. As I did with the domme in L.A. It was 24-7. I wore her collar. I was contracted to her. Are you familiar with BDSM relationships at all?
A bit, and then I saw Pillion.
The movie was a semi-representation of what a D-S relationship looks like. The relationship in the movie was based, in big, in big part on humiliation. It wasn’t a warm, fuzzy ending—not a true relationship of a D-S relationship, which has love and intimacy.
A lot of the emotional suspense of the movie is rooted in how incredibly cold Alexander Skarsgard’s character was to the sub. Is it common that the sub sleeps on the floor?
Sometimes. Sometimes in a cage. There are different levels. There are submissives versus slaves, who sometimes eat out of dog bowls or sleep in cages or on the floor. I’ve had subs where, when I sit down in a chair, they sit at my feet. It’s out of respect—not humiliation. When I was a sub, I used to love to sit at my dom’s feet.